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The nabobs of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science planning the Oscar awards telecast weren’t thinking clearly when they were trying to decide on an emcee for this year’s show. They should have come to Racine and recruited John Van Thiel, the Elvis impersonator.

As I see it, an Elvis impersonator running the show would bring back many people who have been boycotting the awards shows in recent years.

And to introduce the various award presenters, the academy committee should have contracted Scott Walker, former Wisconsin governor, and Paul Ryan, former speaker of the House of Representatives, who aren’t doing anything.

Because the envelopes bearing the winners’ names are sealed, the nominees would be wise to have Racine Ald. Sandy Weidner, who knows a thing or two about sealed public records, in the area to make sure every sealed envelope is properly opened.

One reason I don’t watch the Oscars shows is that I am not a movie goer. The nominations mean little. My movie watching is mostly old westerns on TV. Well, I did take in “The Post.” It was about the Washington Post and the Pentagon Papers. But my hearing has gone south and I couldn’t press a “closed caption” button as I do with a TV remove control so I didn’t hear the dialogue.

Some years, I tune in near the end of the Oscars show to see who wins Best Actress and Best Actor Oscars and wonder if I will ever see any of the movies nominated for best picture.

Another reason many people quit watching was because every winner thinks he or she has to thank everybody from the current spouse to the parking lot attendant. When I get to be president of the Academy, I will limit acceptance speeches to thanking the academy. The winners can send or email “thank you” notes to people they want to thank.

That would limit the awards show to, perhaps, 40 minutes, leaving 20 minutes for Van Thiel encores. It would be an excellent opportunity for Van Thiel to introduce that old German song Elvis Presley had been rehearsing and planning to record before he died. It’s a pleasant ditty titled “In Himmel Gibt’s Kein Bier” which translates into “In Heaven There is No Beer.”

On second thought, that may be too depressing for viewers already feeling blue because their favorite nominees didn’t win Oscars.

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You may contact Emmert Dose by writing to The Journal Times, 212 Fourth St. Racine, WI 53403 or knows a thing or two about sealed emailing, emandcarol@csofwi.com.

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