It has been a while since I dipped into the Reader Fan Mail bag, which I keep tucked away in a damp, moldy cave guarded by a foul-tempered and severely constipated troll.
So it’s time to share some of the great thoughts that have been piling up, and answer a few inquiries from those who truly appreciate my columns. I’ve kept the senders anonymous so they are not inundated by requests from Mensa.
Let’s get to it:
“Hey Rex, you’re still an idiot.”
Thank you for noticing! One of the hardest things for a professional idiot columnist to do is maintain a consistent level of idiocy. It’s a great compliment to know I’ve still got it!
“How many more will you need in the US of A to quench your liberal hunger for bodies before we collapse from the weight of millions of the world’s poor? Ah, but your hunger is never sated — you’ll survive in your gated community till even your undoing by the never ending push at our gates.”
Well, my liberal hunger for bodies is unquenchable. In my high school senior yearbook, I was voted “Least Likely to Have His Liberal Hunger for Bodies Sated.” As for my gated community, don’t worry. The gates are resistant to the world’s poor.
“From here moving forward when I think of a (expletive)hole I will envision your liberal (expletive) face … no wonder they bury you on page 15 … this can’t be your profession … when We read (expletive) like yours, makes me proud of President Donald Trump … 7 more years of entertainment from whining Libs … never enjoyed myself more!!!!”
First off, kudos on your commitment to the ellipsis. I feel it’s used far too little in modern communication. I also appreciated random capitalization because it keeps people on their toes.
To your broader point, I’m delighted that you’re enjoying yourself and envisioning my face. It’s quite a handsome one.
“March on godless sped not while our president is in office we will never put up with your (expletive) marching! Trump will stop you . hahahaha haha. Penis heads for sure!”
Yes, indeed. Penis heads for sure. And thanks for acknowledging the sped of my godlessness.
“What did you say that made so many people hate you? All I can figure is that you must be a real (expletive) (expletive). Why don’t you try and quit pissing people off and maybe they’ll get off your dumb (expletive). I’ve never read any of your stuff and am not advocating that you kill yourself or anything, but after reading just one column, I don’t like you either. … Keep up the good work, (expletive).”
Thank you for reading.
“You’ve shown your left leaning ways in the past with today’s article you fell off that left leaning cliff you shouldn’t even be allowed to write for this paper you are an idiot! MAGA”
Thank you for taking the time to write, MAGA. I am, indeed, an idiot. I will let my superiors know that I should not be allowed to write for this paper.
“I didn’t want to vote for Trump, and I’m still not a fan of his in the least. That being said, you’re a (expletive) idiot. Saying a country is a (expletive)hole isn’t anywhere near racist. It’s nationalist you stupid (expletive). You used a (expletive) excuse of a poorly thought out theme to run your president into the ground, like every other (expletive) ‘reporter’ taking shots for clickbait.”
Thank you for reading. I apologize for being such a stupid (expletive).
“all you have is a big mouth.you are a complete naive as whole.”
I have never been called an “as whole” before, but I’m quite sure I deserve it since, as previous emailers have noted, I’m a stupid (expletive).
“I can’t believe I wasted 2 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back reading your crap.”
I know, right? What a waste!
“Whore we’re tweets from an idiot like you now you’re out Fox you gotta be the complete close (expletive) idiot the world please die”
“Glad you let everyone know that your (slur for people with intellectual disabilities) libtard!!.NRA! Nra! Nra!NRA! Trump ! Trump ! Trump .the mindless Huppkepupkee”
Huppkepupkee is definitely going to be my new Twitter handle. Thank you. And thank you for standing up for the rights of punctuation marks to just go wherever the heck they want. USA ! USA ! USA ! !
ABOUT THE WRITER
Rex Huppke is a Chicago Tribune columnist. Readers may send him email at email@example.com.
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